Exiled Years

I will confess. I have been lacking in confidence for a few years now. It's only been through my work in film that I've managed to recover some of it.

Confidence makes the man, I've heard. I think it's unmade me right now.

I think about the past and wonder if the confidence I so tightly hung on to was more of a thin facade meant to hide my insecurities or if I was as confident as I believed. I don't really know.

Men, when put in their element, often shine like a new penny. I spent so many years in a bar, living under the coverage of bar lighting, that no one ever saw the real me. Including me. I have fond memories of those bar days. Every night was Saturday night. I was unstoppable. Unbreakable. The adrenaline covered up the pain and at the end of the run, I was bruised up, but satisfied. Or at least happy for the moment.

I realize something. Something a woman close to me once said. 'That wasn't you in there. That was some other guy performing for those people. I don't know who that guy was.' I always thought the guy she referred to was a guy built stronger by pain. He was, in fact, quite the opposite. He was a man wracked with pain and guilt and unsure of how to make it all go away.

Which is not to say that I never got a chance to shine in those years. They just weren't the great years that I've always thought they were. I was just more oblivious of the real issues that plagued me. I ignored the pain.

There's a light inside me right now. Something that I remember from back before it all got so screwed up. I gotta find my way to it.

More to come.

-30-

The Alpha & Omega

I'm starting yet another blog. I'm doing it for me, but I'm hoping that others will ready it and maybe have an opinion or a thought to share.

I'm lost right now. Trying to get myself together. Taping out dents and replacing broken parts.

I hope I make sense.